My Aunt Faye gave me this recipe weeks ago and I did it immediately. Then I promptly forgot the instructions. I’m sure she can leave a comment to tell me where I went wrong. This is not a spoiler alert – I ALWAYS go wrong.

The ingredients are simple. A package of ranch dressing, 4 sleeves of saltines, red pepper flakes and CANOLA oil.

Me: Do you have any canola oil?

Mom: No, use Olive Oil.

Me: Faye was adamant, she said it MUST be canola oil.

Mom: Use Olive Oil.

Me: But..

Mom: Just USE IT!

You should know I get all of my cooking skills from my mother.

The recipe calls for 1 and 1/4 oil (I think) but Faye says to  trim it back  to 1 cup. It also calls for 2 tablespoons of red pepper, but she says to use 1. I come from a long line of cooking rebels. Anyway, put the red pepper in the oil and set aside for an hour.

Now add the package of ranch dressing and stir well. Put the crackers in a large bowl with a lid and our the oil/pepper/ranch over them. Then gently turn them over and let sit. Then turn them over again. Then again. You get the idea, until they are coated evenly. One recipe I read said to use a gallon zip-lock bag and shuffle around for 15 minutes.

Okay, I didn’t HAVE a bowl with a lid. So when I turned it over, oil just ran out on the counter. Eventually, we just pronounced it good enough and ate them.

Moron Test Grade: Undecided. On the plus side, it was SUPER easy. Aunt Faye raved about them and a similar recipe has 5 stars on www.RecipeZaar.com.

On the con side was that I threw up after eating 200. FYI, throwing up saltines is like heaving sawdust. Of course, I didn’t use CANOLA oil. Or the correct bowl. I consider the whole thing inconclusive.

I would like to try it again with some oyster crackers . Or better yet, I’ll wait for Fay to invite me over. Fay? I can come over right? Hello? I promise to only eat 100. 150 at most.

Inspired by my great cooking skills, MP decided she’d like to try a recipe found in her latest issue of Highlights.

Behold, Red Apple Smiles. Three ingredients, how difficult can it be?

Slice red apples, spread cream cheese on two pieces, put some mini-marshmallows in the middle and -

Voila -a beautiful, delicious smile. Uh.. okay, voila – a smile.

Moron test grade – A! MoonPie: “They are FANTASTIC and I made them.”

Me: How many did you eat?

MP: One

Me: Are you going to eat any more?

MP: No thanks.

You might want to revise that grade down a notch or two.

Here’s how my brain works. “It’s hot, I’d like something cool. Oh man, remember that really good coffee drink I had that one time? I wonder how to make that. None of these recipes online are it, but here’s one that I can do since I have all of the ingredients. Some of the ingredients. Some stuff SIMILIAR to the ingredients.”

You are welcome to skip the rest of this post if you can see where this is going.

The recipe called for 1 cup of cold coffee, 1/3 cup of instant chocolate pudding, 1 cup of milk, 10 ice cubes, 2 tablespoons of cocoa, and hazelnut and sugar to taste.

Already I’m in trouble. Since I didn’t have hazelnut flavoring, I substituted hazelnut flavored COFFEE. And since I didn’t have milk, I used Vanilla Soy. And then I forgot the cocoa. Other than that I did well.

Except that when I read “1 cup of coffee”, I decided any cup would do, so I chose my cool INDIA mug which is about 16 ounces and that is apparently more than 1 CUP.

So we added more of everything else to the food processor. It might surprise you to know the recipe did NOT call for a food processor, it called for a BLENDER. Which I don’t have. Please pay no attention to the sponge soaking in goo in the background. That is not integral to this story.

Oh wait, I guess it is.

Pour the mixture in a cup.  Throw the top of the processor in the sink. Taste your drink and realize you forgot the cocoa, add it in, wash the top, start again.

Pour it into ANOTHER glass, add sugar, give up, forget to take a picture, and look out your window. What is that? Is that the top of a Starbucks??? Sit down and rethink your life.

Moron Test Grade – F.

I’m beginning to think I create unnecessary stress in my life.

Because my husband does 90% of the cooking, I suffer horribly when he’s out of town. To be prepared for the next time he travels, I asked him to cook a couple of steaks so I could photograph the process. He fell for it was happy to oblige.

Start with a couple of cuts of meat. I have no idea what these are, steaks of some sort.

Drizzle them with olive oil.

Spice them and put in a hot, grill pan.

We use fancy spices – The Flavors of France. True story – we bought this tin from a 12 year old boy in the parking lot of WalMart. I wonder how he finds the time to go to France for the spices. Hmmm. Must be homeschooled.

Sear each side.

This step is not usual, but because these were so thick, he thought they’d cook better covered. I should tell you how long this was. I don’t remember.

Wow, don’t those look good? This is the point where you might want to stop reading. My husband has strong opinions about steaks and they way they should be served.

Raw.

The MoonPie had a Brownie meeting today and we were in charge of snacks. So we made brownies. Hey, if they like them enough to name their group after them, I might as well bring some for a treat. I found this recipe a few months ago on Bakerella.

It starts with a Brownie mix. I LOVE a recipe that starts with a mix. Prepare per the instructions on the box. I don’t want to give the plot away but it involves water, oil and 2 eggs.

Stir FIFTY times. This is why I love boxed mixes. Seriously! Not 49, not till it seems right, FIFTY. I can count to fifty. If it doesn’t work, it’s their fault.

Pour into a greased pan. But wait, there’s more!

Now make THIS according to the directions. There are only two other ingredients – SPOILER ALERT – an egg and butter.

Get a brownie to stir until smooth. Don’t mind the sneezing and runny nose. What are the chances she’ll infect the entire troop? Exactly. We’re willing to take the chance.

Make into little things resembling balls and stuff them into the brownie mix.

Bake per the instructions on the Brownie Mix – 28 minutes at 350 degrees.  Now – the FUN part.

We make Ganache. I love to make Ganache, mainly cause I like saying, “ganache”.  So, put 3/4 cup whipping cream and 6 tablespoons of butter in a saucepan. Remove from heat just BEFORE it starts to boil.

Pour 12 oz. of semi-sweet chocolate morsels in a bag.

Pour the butter/cream mixture over the morsels and let stand for 20 seconds.

YUM. Stir into smooth. Or until you get bored.

So your brownie/cookie mix should be cooled by now. My husband took the pan outside and let it sit for about 30 minutes. Try that and see if it works. Unless it’s hot outside, in which case I have no idea what you’d do. Wait I guess. Whenever your mixture is cool, pour the ganache over it. Now wait again. You have to let the ganache set-up. I think 20 minutes ought to do it. I don’t really know cause we threw some foil on ours and raced it to the Girl Scout meeting.

Moron Test Grade – I’m GUESSING an A. The troop all ate several helpings and JD has given it the thumbs up. I am an idiot who did not realize Girl Scout cookies would be arriving and gave up sweets for Lent! I was really hating that decision today. Then JD and I went out for dinner and I ordered a big glass of Merlot and realized it could have been so much worse.

I haven’t made this since I was a little girl in Z-Town. I had to call my sister to get the recipe. This is what she said:

Snow, vanilla, sugar and milk.

She’s very busy and couldn’t be bothered to give exact measurements. Luckily, I called my best-friend Google. Google loves me. She always there for me.  Where were you when I was growing up, Google? When I needed a friend, a kind ear? It could have been so different.

Whatever. Let’s start with snow.

I have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy when it comes to snow. I don’t want to know where you got it, I just need a bowl full of the stuff, preferably white. Let’s not dwell on air pollution, or germs, and for pete’s sake don’t mention the DOGS.

To 1 gallon of snow, Google said to add 1 cup of sugar…

1 tablespoon of vanilla extract…

2 cups of milk…

and stir until creamy. Enjoy.

Awww. Look at that smile. Moron Test Grade: A! The taste was yummy and the experience was fun. It was a little chilly for dessert, but I’m going to remember this recipe. It will be awesome in July.

I’m trying to decide what to make for all of the Super Bowl parties I’ve not been invited to. Whatever. I’ve got a TV and I can watch Peyton Manning whip up on the Saints from the comfort of my own couch. That’s right, I’m for the COLTS. For three reasons – ) the Manning’s seem very nice, 2) the Saints colors (black and gold) are ugly and remind me of a high school rival – York, and 3) every time Reggie Bush scores they show Kim Kardashian and she annoys me.

Back to the appetizers. What should I try? I’ve narrowed it down to these choices:

1.  Sun Dried Tomato Cheesecake

I had never heard of this until this past weekend. A very nice lady at the bridge club came over and asked if I’d take her recipe to my mother-in-law, because she had been asking for it for MONTHS and that it was soooo good. Braggart.  I said, “sure”, then totally forgot until I found it in my purse yesterday. Oh well, I should probably try it before I send it. Old people have been known to lie.

2.Bacon Wrapped Jalapeno Things

From Pioneer Woman, of course. They look delish, and I’m pretty sure that eating things that could kill you is a Super Bowl tradition.

3. Texas Caviar

Looks like high-falutin salsa to me, but I like the name.

4. Dill Pickle Bites

Not only does this look easy, but with dill pickle and white bread, the AWESOMENESS must be off the chart!

I can’t decide, so I’m leaving it up to you. Say you were HAVING a party, and that I was invited, what would you like me to bring? Just leave a comment. And if you wanted to add your address and a time the game would be on, that would work too.

I can’t believe you people! I thought you had my back, that we were in this thing together. Imagine my surprise today, when I saw this advertised on the Food Network:

Twelve of the most hopeless cooks in the country will compete in a high-stakes elimination series in Worst Cooks in America. At stake for the last two standing is the chance to cook for a panel of esteemed culinary critics and win the grand prize of $25,000. This six-episode series will put the “recruits” through a culinary boot camp led by two acclaimed chefs: Anne Burrell, host of Secrets of a Restaurant Chef, and Beau MacMillan, executive chef at elements in Phoenix.

Not one of you thought to nominate me? Or my mother? Perhaps you were thrown by my Moron Test Kitchen posts. See where I come from, MORON does not mean good. Should this blog provide a dictionary?

I’ll get over it, since I can’t afford to lose any of you. BUT, if some network announces a Bloggers Who Drink and Can’t Keep their House Clean audition, don’t make the same mistake twice. Geesh.

I’m on this crazy diet and it’s killing me! By “crazy”, I mean I’m supposed to eat cucumbers and tomatoes, 3 oz of grilled chicken and steamed broccoli. YUCK. Why couldn’t I have tried the cookie diet??? Anyway, for lunch – the menu calls for two boiled eggs. That’s IT. Two boiled eggs do not qualify for lunch! I’m pretty sure even a snake would eat two eggs and then call Dominoes. Ridiculous.

Yet. I have to do something, so here I go, dutifully boiling my two eggs only to find that the yolk is not fully cooked. The yolk is NEVER fully cooked. I don’t care if I boil them for 15 minutes, I still get uncooked yolk. And when you’re entire lunch is TWO eggs, you don’t really want to be throwing out any part of them. Did I mention that I get grumpy when I’m hungry?

So I searched online for How to Boil and Egg. They make it sounds so easy.

Place eggs in a pot and cover with cold water. They say this works for 1 egg or 18. We’ll see.

Bring to a boil for exactly THREE MINUTES. Hah. 3 minutes will NEVER work.

Turn off the heat and cover for exactly EIGHT minutes. Sure, sit there in that hot water, that’s going to work. I told you, I have BOILED eggs till the water dried out and the shells turned black. Nothing I do matters -the eggs are going to be runny.

They say if you let the egg cool in the fridge for a half hour it will peel easier. Whatever, I’m starving! Let’s get on with the big reveal -

Holy Moly, I’m a genius! These are perfect eggs! Wow, Moron Test Grade – A+. I’m feeling pretty smug right now. Who knows? I may move on to bigger and better things. Like eggs that are FRIED or maybe even an OMELET.

You know the ones? People give them as Christmas gifts every year.

Basic recipe. My idea was to make those cute, shaped sugar cookies and decorate them with icing.

In mixing bowl, combine mix with 1/2 cup of butter. I used the 50/50 cause I am very serious about my health and transfats. Or I might have had a coupon.

3 tablespoons of milk. Again, I’m a health nut, so I went with Smart Balance.

Take a moment and pick out some cute Christmas cookie cutters.

Add in one egg. Remark how a couple of tiny shells won’t be all that noticeable.

Hmm. Notice that it looks kinda soupy for  laying out and cutting with cookie cutters.

Come up with the brilliant idea to just lay the cookie cutter on the foil, then spoon in the mixture. Look we’ve got trees, and gingerbread men and snowflakes. Hmmm. Says it should make 24 but I only count 9. Strange. No matter. Pop them in the oven at 375 for 10 minutes.

Uh. What?

Plan B. Decorate them anyway.

Ahh. There’s my tree.

And look at our snowman, awesome. Moron Test Grade – never mind. I don’t think I can blame this one on the sugar cookie recipe. Unlike the other failed test kitchens that were TOTALLY their fault.